Lifestream
Yesterday |
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I'm man enough to admit when I'm wrong: churros ARE delicious.
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September 1st |
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My main man @TomNoonan was fantastic on the @louisck show this week. Yeah, so what if Tom Noonan isn't on Twitter and I've never net him?
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About to do standup at a mariachi restaurant. Good thing all my jokes' punchlines are, "...so then *I* said, corazon!"
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Of all my supervillain friends, I'm probably the unscrupulest.
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August 31st |
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Preordered new albums from @BrunoMars and @YMAEWK - so long, ears. You'll be melted with the awesomeness.Been a privilege to serve with you.
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August 30th |
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All leftover-and-reheated hamburgers taste the same, regardless of initial quality.
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I want my baby back baby back baby back no seriously my infant is missing.
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August 29th |
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"Why pay for children's channels if you don't have kids? Or shopping channels if you're a GUY?" - awesomely truthful DishTV commercial.
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August 28th |
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RT @50cent: Yo todays been a good day so far but the roof of my mouth is sore cause I eat something that was too hot
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?uestlove spinning Michael Jackson in a warehouse downtown. And I ran into @janinaz ! http://twitpic.com/2ix3em
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August 27th |
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Just saw a guy in a wheelchair going down the street backwards doing the kickkickkick scoot move. #downtownLA
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If you have to put up a sign for your facility to be a thing, your facility is not that thing. http://twitpic.com/2itrna
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Ok, well, every single person on the streets of downtown LA is horrifying.
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High quality funny-ers. @meganamram @aFinnishLine @kdn13 @mattdelia @christfinnegan @davetotheross @dwangelo #FF
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August 26th |
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Hey grocery store - way too many frozen pizzas. Cool it. http://twitpic.com/2ihsgs
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Shared peetguercio: http://twitpic.com/2ihsgs Hey grocery store - way too many frozen pizzas. Cool it..
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August 25th |
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Surgeons always look like they're quietly celebrating a touchdown.
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I feel most disconnected from my species when I see "Celtic Woman: Songs from the Heart" or anything Tyler Perry does ever.
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August 24th |
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I've never called anyone shitbird. Should I start, or did I miss the boat on that one? #honestlywannaknow
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August 20th |
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The DOOR CLOSE buttons in elevators aren't connected to anything.
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August 19th |
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Man, I had this funny tweet making fun of a family friend but I don't have the guts to put it on the internet for forevers. #selfloathing
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August 15th |
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Everybody in the Arclight theater just laughed in unison when M.Night's name was on one of the previews.
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August 11th |
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Reading fellow comic friends' brilliant tweets is 30% motivating, 70% humbling. Cholos scare me more than black thugs do. #seriouswednesday
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Ok you got me laughing with that one. RT @davetotheross: "Yo, where my snowpants is?" -idiot looking for his snowpants
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August 10th |
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Vivid is already making two porn movies starring a Ted Stevens lookalike called "A Series of Boobs" and "Someone To Dump On". Tasteful.
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August 9th |
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That last tweet was just a ploy to make @cablehdmi follow me. Step five of my plan is complete.
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Ayo, these firewire 800 cables be straight slippin' out, son.
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August 8th |
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LOVE when dogs don't know that they just winked at you.
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August 6th |
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Quick - everybody - lay on your horn! It fixes traffic eeeevery time.
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August 4th |
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Fuck marry kill: The po-lice, Tyler Moore, yourself.
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The gays got 99 problems but the lack of opportunity for marital bliss ain't one.
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I have never read the word "caveat" correctly the first time. #cuhveet
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August 3rd |
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Everybody knows that my boy @nottjmiller's shit is the tightest... and if you don't know, now you know. #suckastrytophaseme
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August 2nd |
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Guy on CL just tried to buy my iPhone by trading his Dell laptop with "3.5 hours of battery lice". You've got a deal, Farbod Azizgolshani.
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Oh, good morning newly-jailbroken iPhone 4.Morning, LockInfo.I've missed you, FiveIconDock. Where are you, StatusNotifier? #jailbreak @comex
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August 1st |
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Wow, this movie popcorn could use a lot less SALT. #completewaste
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Fun Fact: I made his biz cards.RT @chrisayer: Graham Nash songs on the drive up 95. His songs are fuzzy nerf balls and I am a velcro paddle.
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"I Love The Nightlife" sounds like a horrible karaoke cover of itself.
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July 31st |
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Jersey Shore spoiler: half the "cast" dies of handstamp ink poisoning from all the clubs they go to.
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I wish I were really unattractive so my comedy would be considered "alternative".
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I don't watch any reality shows ironically (or at all) because I'm not an idiot.
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Every comedian in LA is at Cat n Fiddle. Feels like a giant family reunion. I could just @everyone. #filledwithjoy
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July 30th |
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Just texted "Parking - meet at the food court?" Now I wanna kill myself.
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Rita and Vic are The Incredibles?? Wow. RT @jeffcannata: Vic Mackey gets super powers? They must have gotten my letters! http://is.gd/dTqeo
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It just hit me how bland of a name Will Smith has.
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July 29th |
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Balls make me gag. Oh, sorry, I meant: débutante balls make me gag.
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If your child gets kidnapped and the police chief says the search is gonna only be half-fledged, #badtimes
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